Tuesday, January 10, 2006

So, we're pretty much friends by now, right?

My friend Beth (my inside contact at the Christian bookstore) refused to put this shirt out on the sales floor:

As you can see, this shirt is a direct rip-off of the Vote For Pedro t-shirts made famous by the film Napoleon Dynamite. It’s brought to you by Vic Kennett and his company Kerusso, the premier Christian t-shirt sweatshop. (I’ve railed against them before.)

At first I was frustrated. Yet again, the best Christians have to offer is a pathetic pop culture rip-off. But then I had an epiphany. Pedro is Catholic. Well, we assume he’s Catholic because Wikipedia tells us so, and because of all the Catholic images placed throughout his house. He could just have a thing for religious iconography, but we’ll assume it’s genuine faith.

But I digress.

Pedro is a Catholic, the mortal enemy of Protestants. In some Protestant circles, it’s better to tell your parents you’re gay then that you’re converting to Catholicism. Yet here is Kerusso, a Protestant company, claiming that Jesus died for Pedro. It’s a [tacky] olive branch extended across the religious divide.

Don’t let them fool you. Those Kerusso people are tricky. They have seen a future where Protestants and Catholics are free to greet each other in the street, but they know that Protestants will never go for it. Undeterred, Kerusso came up with this subversive piece of attire.

As we speak, thousands of Christian teens are subconsciously putting two and two together. Before you know it, they’ll be talking about confirmation and transubstantiation like they talk about Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton. Christianity will be unified, and no one will realize it’s happening.

Vic Kennett, you are one sneaky bastard. I tip my hat to you.


Sam said...
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Sam said...

It's too bad Kerusso doesn't have a liger t-shirt. It's high time Christians threw their support behind cross-species breeding. It may be playing God, but if science can make an animal with magical powers and a mace for a tail then it's A-OK with me.

MJ said...

Just wondering: is this the same company that made the t-shirts that said "My Prince makes rainbows--not purple rain!" in the 80s? 'Cause those were totally rad! Just like Jesus!

Nialle said...

Almost as good as the "Desperate Housewife" shirt on Kerusso.

Frank said...

Oh, come on Ben. Why can't Pedro be saved? You know Ben, Jesus loves you snow much!


Devin said...

Frank has apparently been hanging around the bookstore at Christmastime...

For people who can't get enough of this sort of evangelization-via-proxy, consider the following product, now available in a Christian bookstore near you:

Modest Is Hottest Baby Tee

Now, while your initial response may have been, "Yep, nothing says 'modesty' like a snug, tight-fitting, belly-baring little t-shirt," you would be overlooking the strategy behind this. You see, hormone-driven teen boys - oh, who am I kidding? I mean Men in general - who are compelled to stare at the young woman who opts to wear such a shirt will be unable to resist seeing the slogan in the process, which will in turn trigger an inner debate, throwing the man's world-view into disarray, confronting him with the full extent of his wickedness before the Lord, and convicting him of his need to repent and throw himself at the foot of the Cross. "Why, I don't find modesty 'hot' at all! I've just been staring at a young woman's tantalizingly-presented breasts! Truly, I am a fallen creation..." It's just like being presented with The Law, but in a sexier package!

Ingenious, if you ask me. Now, one may begin to ask whether it makes sense to associate modesty with the explicitly sensual connotation of "hotness", but I would say that you're probably thinking too hard about it.

Rouver said...

And Devin bought into that Star Trek episode where Kirk posed a conundrum to a computer, whereupon it shrieked "Does not compute!" and coughed up a black cloud of digital death.

Rouver said...
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David said...

Come on, man...lighten up. Jesus DID die for Pedro, and Father McKinney, and the Pope, and the satanist killing chickens and cats. Jesus died to save the WORLD. God wished for NO ONE to perish. I agree with your underlying concern. Ecumenicalism is dangerous. Truth is truth. We can't compromise on truth, but we can reach across the aisle and seek to show Catholics and others what Christianity is all about - a personal relationship with the creator of the universe, devoid of any earthly interventions or interference.

I would suggest we as Christians stop CONDEMNING people who are not "up to snuff" in their faith and start acting in a positive manner to be a witness for Jesus Christ. I believe THAT is the underlying mission of Kerusso. I believe that should be our underlying mission as well.

How is the plank in your eye? I'm still trying to dislodge mine. Once I have it out, THEN I can turn my focus to other's splinters.

God bless!

Julie said...

Ben, where are you when we need you to come back and comment on shirts that state Christians are strange, boy-crazy zombies and that all non-Christians have rocks in their heads? I know you aren't blogging on here anymore, but we could all use a dose of your cynical wisdom every now and again. :)