Time To Diversify

Well, we've finally arrived in the greater Portland metropolitan area. We're in temporary housing until the end of March. My wife's job doesn't start for over a week, so we're playing tourist now. I'm not going to fill this blog with personal information. If you are interested in following our West Coast adventures, check out our new family blog at reedsinoregon.blogspot.com. Right now there are just a few camera phone pictures. Soon, there will be all sorts of juicy details regarding our adventures.

Don't worry, I'll keep posting here. Even though Portland is one of the most unchurched areas in the country, I'm sure I'll still find myself immersed in evangelical Christian subculture. I can never seem to completely leave it behind.

Go West Young Man

Well, those of you who thought I would be a terrible pastor can throw your hands up in celebration. I am leaving seminary. Basically, it just wasn’t a good fit. In the words of Donald Miller, “It [is] hard for me to go to church without getting angry…” (Blue Like Jazz, p. 133) While some would argue that makes me the perfect candidate to become a pastor, I would disagree.

Withdrawing from my classes at Bethel Seminary was one of the most freeing experiences of my life. That is not meant as a dig at Bethel. It’s a great place with some amazing professors who have all challenged me, my faith, and my worldview. It was just time to move.

It’s amazing what happens when you’re willing to let go of things. Since I made the decision to move on, my wife began talking to an old boss of hers who had relocated to Portland, Oregon. To make a long story short, before you know it, my wife is getting an amazing job offer in Portland. (My wife works in public relations and is damn good at what she does.)

Some people would be scared to uproot and move their lives to the West Coast, to a city where we know one family. We’re not. Ok, we’re scared, but I think we both need this. I needed a fresh start. I was going to be looking for a full-time job, and Portland is just as good a place as Minneapolis to find that start. And my wife hates the long Minnesota winters more than I do.

So lookout West Coast, here I come. If you live in the greater Portland metro area and you want to 1) be my friend 2) be my therapist 3) tell me about your church or 4) offer me a job, shoot me an e-mail.

So, we're pretty much friends by now, right?

My friend Beth (my inside contact at the Christian bookstore) refused to put this shirt out on the sales floor:



As you can see, this shirt is a direct rip-off of the Vote For Pedro t-shirts made famous by the film Napoleon Dynamite. It’s brought to you by Vic Kennett and his company Kerusso, the premier Christian t-shirt sweatshop. (I’ve railed against them before.)

At first I was frustrated. Yet again, the best Christians have to offer is a pathetic pop culture rip-off. But then I had an epiphany. Pedro is Catholic. Well, we assume he’s Catholic because Wikipedia tells us so, and because of all the Catholic images placed throughout his house. He could just have a thing for religious iconography, but we’ll assume it’s genuine faith.

But I digress.

Pedro is a Catholic, the mortal enemy of Protestants. In some Protestant circles, it’s better to tell your parents you’re gay then that you’re converting to Catholicism. Yet here is Kerusso, a Protestant company, claiming that Jesus died for Pedro. It’s a [tacky] olive branch extended across the religious divide.

Don’t let them fool you. Those Kerusso people are tricky. They have seen a future where Protestants and Catholics are free to greet each other in the street, but they know that Protestants will never go for it. Undeterred, Kerusso came up with this subversive piece of attire.

As we speak, thousands of Christian teens are subconsciously putting two and two together. Before you know it, they’ll be talking about confirmation and transubstantiation like they talk about Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton. Christianity will be unified, and no one will realize it’s happening.

Vic Kennett, you are one sneaky bastard. I tip my hat to you.

All I Want For Christmas – Part 3

It is less than one week before Christmas is upon us. If you are thoughtful, you have spent hours contemplating the perfect gifts for everyone in your life. If you are like me, you just realized that personally autographed headshots of yourself do not make good gifts. They apparently come across as pompous, or so my wife tells me.

This sudden realization has left me scrambling for gift ideas. Music is always popular and a great last minute gift purchase. There are so many choices. If you’re going for kitsch value, you could give a CD by either Big Daddy Weave or Barlow Girl, the two bands currently battling for the title of “Dumbest Name For A Christian Band Since 2nd Chapter of Acts.”

David Phelps has a new CD, Life Is A Church.



Do you think this album cover is trying to send the subtle message that David Phelps is the foundation of the church? I mean, he is holding the church in his hands. Isn’t that the job of the Holy Spirit, not David Phelps? Talk about pretension. (Note to David Phelps fans that randomly find this site: don’t be like the moron Chris Rice fans. Learn to take a joke.)

Of course, if you want real music to give to friends and family, there is always the new EP from Astronaut Pushers. This is the new project from Sam Ashworth, John Davis of Superdrag, Lindsay Jamieson (played with Ben Folds among others), and Matt Slocum. Many of you will remember Slocum from his first band, Sixpence None the Richer, one of my all-time favorites. If you only know Sixpence from their song “Kiss Me,” I feel very sad for you. (All you Sixpence fans who are still morning the band’s breakup can follow the professional lives of the various members over at Sad But True.)

If none of these musical milestones seem to right, you can always go with Left Behind Gym Shorts.

All I Want For Christmas – Part 2

For many people, the holiday season is a time to reflect on how lonely they are. This is especially true for Christians. While it is never stated explicitly in any of the church creeds, it is generally understood among Christians that being unmarried makes you less human.

“What about Jesus, or the Apostle Paul, they were never married?” you counter. “Does that make them less human?" Why, yes it does. Being a single Christian is like being a retarded kitten. You’re cute, and people generally dote on you out of pity. But for your own good, they eventually tie you in a burlap sack and throw you in a river. It’s better to be dead than to be a retarded kitten (or 30 and single).

I’m being facetious, or course, but that is how the church treats single people. We convince them that being 26 and single means you will never find someone. We convince them that any pathetic loser who attends church is better than nothing. And we wonder why Christian divorce rates are not that different than divorce rates for those outside the church.

Never fear, a new book has arrived to help you cure your singleness disease.



Marriable: Taking the Desperate Out of Dating is an attempt to help single people get out of their own way and land that perfect mate. I doubt this book will help you find “Mr./Miss Right”, but it might help you find “Mr./Miss Good Enough So That You Can Get Married And Have Your Mom Stop Insinuating That You’re Gay.”

All I Want For Christmas

Christmas shopping is always difficult for me. I obsess about getting the perfect gift for the people in my life. This year is no different, so I was relieved when I opened the mail the other day and found the Christmas catalogue from my old employer, the Christian bookstore.

This brochure was filled with gift ideas. Not wanting to keep these treasures to myself, I have decided to highlight different items in the days leading up to Christmas.

We will begin where all good Protestants begin – with the Bible. Christians have spent millions of dollars trying to figure out the best way to package the Bible so people will want to study it. (Apparently, that whole “personal God, death on a cross, rising from the dead, eternal life” story just wasn’t flashy enough).

One of the more popular attempts at this is the One Year Bible. A take off of this concept are The One Year Mini For Women and The One Year Mini For Men. Here are some pictures:





I find these covers fascinating. The woman looks like she is overcome with joy while the man looks like he is being crushed by guilt. Maybe the man has realized that for generations men have misinterpreted the Bible in an effort to marginalize everyone from ethnic minorities to women, and he is dealing with this new awareness. And maybe the woman has also realized this, and she is rejoicing in her newfound freedom.

It’s just a thought.

What Number Did I Call?

Apparently, the phone number for our church office is one number away from that of a pregnancy clinic at a nearby hospital. At least 2-3 times a month I get calls from women concerned about their health.

A woman just called me to check on the results of her urine test. We didn't cover that in Systematic Theology. I feel grossly unprepared for ministry.

The FCC Won't Let Me Be

We have yet another example of Christians missing the point.

A high school radio station, WAVM (FM 91.7) in Maynard, Mass., faces the real possibility of being shut down because a Christian broadcasting company is trying to muscle in on the school’s frequency. Read the complete story here (requires free registration to read the second page of the story).

Basically, the high school station wanted to increase their wattage from 10 watts to 250 watts. According to the eSchool News article I linked, “According to FCC rules, when a radio station files a petition to make a ‘major change,’ it opens the rights to its frequency to be challenged.”

The FCC granted the frequency to Living Proof Broadcasting, a Christian company. Living proof muscled out a high school radio station. In their defense, they have done nothing illegal. They played by the rules. But even so, they are trying to put an educational radio station out of business. Is that really the kind of example a Christian company should be setting?

I’m not furious at Living Proof. (Don’t get me wrong. I am mad, and I will be sending letters both to Living Proof as well as to the FCC.) But the more I think about it, the more I feel sad for Living Proof.

If I had to guess, I would assume their motivation was simply to get a frequency in Massachusetts so that they could spread the Gospel through their radio station (we’ll save debates about the effectiveness of this for another time). So, if we’re being generous, we could say they were motivated by the Great Commission.

Unfortunately, their actions speak louder than their words. In trying to spread grace, hope and love, they failed to exhibit any of those traits. You can’t really blame them; that’s the example they see every week in church.

“And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder…”

I grew up obsessed with end times conspiracy theories. My childhood dreams were filled with the Illuminati, the New World Order and other similar things. The Mark of the Beast (666) was one of the biggest concerns I came across. Everybody was afraid of being forced and/or tricked into getting the mark.

Of course, if you could figure out what the Mark of the Beast would actually be, then you would be able to avoid it. All of the conjecture was centered around the idea that you will not be able to buy or sell without the Mark of the Beast (see Revelation 13:16-18). Depending on who you talked to, that could mean a lot of different things. (Just Google “Mark of the Beast” and you’ll see over 7 million pages devoted to it.)

Most people believed that the mark would appear in stages. There would be a gateway Mark of the Beast, something less oppressive that would dull our conscience, making us easier targets for the Antichrist. One of the most common theories was a fingerprint scanner that would automatically deduct money from your checking account.

It will never happen. There is no way Americans would let anyone have their fingerprints.

The unthinkable has become true.

I was at my local grocery store, when I noticed that they had incorporated Pay By Touch^TM technology. All I wanted were some yams. I didn’t realize that I would have to pledge allegiance to the Antichrist to get them. I don’t care how good they are. No yam is worth eternal hellfire and damnation.

Begin the countdown. Armageddon is coming.

Kirk Cameron Does It Again

In case you missed it, Left Behind: World at War (the third of the Left Behind movies) premiered over the weekend. In a “shocking” twist, the producers decided to ignore conventional wisdom of opening movies in movie theatres and instead opened the movie in more than 3,200 churches nationwide. Three cheers for Christian separatism!

(For those of you unfamiliar with the world of Left Behind, take a glance over at Slacktivist’s ongoing review of the book as he reads through it.)

There are so many things to comment on. You could mention how yet another mediocre Christian film once again lowers the bar for Christian artists everywhere. You could speculate on whether or not this will increase sales for Left Behind board game.

Instead, think about this: one of President Bush’s most famous pieces of legislation is No Child LEFT BEHIND. Maybe Bush’s educational policy is not about making sure American children keep up with their competitors around the world. Maybe it is about making sure no American children have to endure the tribulation.

If that’s not compassionate conservatism, I don’t know what is.

Quarantining a Generation

My friend Beth sent me an article by Suzanne Hadley entitled "Quaranting A Generation." Hadley spends her days as an editor for the children’s magazines Clubhouse and Clubhouse, Jr., but for this article she decides to change her target audience a bit and address her own young adult generation.

The thrust of the article is that by creating services and even churches devoted exclusively to young adults, we have actually harmed them more than helped them. The conventional argument is that this group has left the church (or never bothered to enter the church) because they feel ignored. In response, churches reached out and created these special services. We even have a whole movement of tragically hip young adult Christians we call the Emerging Church.

Hadley believes that our generation has effectively been cut off from the older generation of Christians, which is to our detriment. As she looks at the New Testament church, she sees a group that is integrated in all areas – even age. She feels that age integration is essential for our generation to mature in a healthy way.

I agree that age segregation is a growing problem in the church. My church is blessed to have a wide range of age groups. I have actually seen first hand the impact being around mature, older Christians has had on my life.

But age segregation still happens. My wife and I are beginning a new small group. Everybody in it is under 30. I didn’t try for that to happen; it just kind of did.

This is an issue I’ve wrestled with before, and I always end up with some of the same questions:

• Should the church “legislate” age integration or should it let things happen organically, even if that means segregation?
• Are these new church services, congregations, etc. really attracting unchurched people, or are they just gathering spaces for young adults who think they’re edgy and who want an excuse to be mad at the mainstream church?
• Will young adults leave the church or never enter the church if we do not have church services designed specifically for them?
• Or is it more important to simply be authentic, whatever that looks like for each church?

Pretentious Seminarian Watch

Classes at the seminary have only been meeting for one week. Already, I have found a great example of what I will term "Pretentious Seminarianism." Basically, it's when a seminary student places way too much importance on themselves or their "original thoughts" about theology.

Our first example this year is a guy who called himself "A Postmodern Contemplative." Can you really assign yourself a title like that? I'm sure he's contemplating something, but judging by the look of him, he's spending more time contemplating what kind of product to put in his hair instead of God’s role in the universe. He seems like a nice enough guy, he just takes himself way too seriously.

I should start assigning myself labels. Maybe I can become "A Premodern Mystic." That should get people's attention. I'll start praying for the stigmata immediately.

How May I Serve You?

I swear, regardless of denominational affiliation or the sizes of the congregation, Christians are the laziest people in the world. Part of my job at the church is recruiting volunteers. It’s amazing how quickly people become too busy to help you. Suddenly, something as simple as passing the offering plate becomes some all-consuming activity that does not allow them to help you out.

What I'm really bothered by are the people who are willing to come to a brainstorming session for a ministry, but they are unwilling to do the work to implement the ideas. Everyone thinks they are God’s gift to the church; they have all the answers to what we’re doing wrong, but they are unwilling to act on it.

I’m just venting. I don’t have it as bad as some people I know. I do have a handful of people who have been with the church from nearly the beginning who will do anything I need. They are quiet servants who are more than happy to go without recognition, and being around them is energizing.

It’s those lazy ones that just get to me. My friend Jim created a theory about church plants. You have the first wave of people who are passionate about the vision and will do anything that needs done. (Part of that is out of necessity because there are not a lot of people to do the work). The second wave are people who come and see the first wave doing everything and assume it is all getting done. (Many of these people are who I’m talking about. It’s not that they are unaware of ways they can help serve, it is more that they are unwilling to help serve.) Jim’s theory maintains that eventually there will be a third wave of people who will want to get involved.

[In the name of full disclosure, one thing I can definitely improve on is my ability to recognize potential leaders and empower them to lead in an area they are passionate about. I’m working on that.]

Is the problem all with me and my approach? (An answer I am fully prepared to accept as true.) Or is this unwillingness to serve a symptom of a bigger problem in Christianity? Have we become a people who are only content when things are being fed to us like we’re children?

In his book, The Gospel in a Pluralist Society, Leslie Newbigin says “The priestly people needs a ministering priesthood to sustain and nourish it. Men and women are not ordained to this ministerial priesthood in order to take priesthood away from the people but in order to nourish and sustain the priesthood of the people. Just as we observe one day of the week as ‘the Lord’s Day,’ not in order that the other six days may be left to the devil but in order that they may all belong to the Lord; so we set apart a man or woman to a ministerial priesthood not in order to take away the priesthood of the whole body but to enable it.”

I believe that is true, but there are times that I wonder if too many Christians like the idea of a strong priesthood (or pastors) because they see it as an excuse for inaction. I don’t know how to change that. Maybe I don’t have to. Maybe my Transformational Leadership class this quarter will show me that I have been going about this the wrong way. Maybe I will finally learn how to develop the leaders for the future instead of simply finding the workers for the present. Maybe I will learn that every Christian desperately wants to be an active part of the mission of the church, they just need to be asked in the right way.

Maybe.

Killing In The Name Of

Just when you think Christians might be gaining a little respect in the world, Pat Robertson opens his mouth. Apparently, he feels it is time for the U.S. to assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez in a preemptive strike. Robertson views Chavez as a “terrific danger.”

My favorite argument is that assassinating Chavez would save us money, because it would avoid a war. I love it that Robertson believes the sixth commandment “Thou shalt not kill,” is rendered null and void by his own view that “Thou shalt always think with thy bank account.” When did economics become a higher motivation than human life?

I know Robertson’s insane. He’ll retire to Pensacola with Jerry Falwell and James Dobson where they’ll plot ways to fire bomb San Francisco in an attempt to rid the earth of gay people. No one takes him seriously.

Or do they? I suppose that’s my issue. Robertson is so far off the deep end that only crazy people within Christianity believe him. (By crazy people, I mean anyone who believes Left Behind is a prophetic vision of how the world will end.) But he makes good television.

Why would the news stations have a theologian giving a thoughtful, intelligent Christian critique of the world when they could have Pat Robertson come on and threaten people? With Robertson you have a man with just enough sanity left to seem legitimate, but with enough dementia to make you think “I bet he spends his weekends dancing around a fire in a loincloth eating dead rats he caught with his bare hands.”

The man is a ratings booster. And every time he is allowed to be the token Christian spokesperson, the world believes a little more that all Christians are this insane. No one takes the time to explore whether or not his views actually line up with biblical teaching.

Maybe I should just give up on the Evangelical world and become a Catholic. At least they know how to party.