The New Album From Jesus

FYI: Jesus has a new album. I’m kidding, but our computer database does list the artist for this album as “Jesus.” I do find it interesting that Jesus recorded an album covering all the overplayed, tired worship songs you used to love but now secretly hate. Then he commissioned a companion book to generate a few extra profits.

On a whim, I decided to take our computer database at face value. What if Jesus really had recorded an album? Here is an excerpt from an interview that would have appeared in [insert your favorite music publication].
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After a 2000 year hiatus, Jesus has returned to the recording studio. He has remained largely absent from the music scene ever since his band Jesus and the Fishers of Men All-Stars broke up. For the first time in 2000 years, we sat down with Jesus to get his thoughts on the state of music, the possibility of a reunion tour, his new album, and the genius of Ringo Starr.

[Music Magazine]: So why did you wait 2000 years to record a new album.

[Jesus Christ]: I felt like the time was right. I was tired of this religious revival with all these people claiming to understand the impact of my music and then butchering it. It’s like The Strokes; they desperately want to be The Ramones, but they don’t have the talent, the attitude or the life experience to capture that raw energy. Music today is full of posers. I’m here to bring the old school flavor back.

[MM]: There has to be someone you like in today’s music industry?

[JC]: Kanye West, but he did write a song about me. After Bono lost his god complex, I really began to like U2. Johnny Cash and I were really tight. That man was more punk than Blink 182.

[MM]: Who do you think represents what is wrong with the music industry?

[JC]: Kelly Clarkson. She is all that is soulless and wrong. Nickelback really sucks too.

[MM]: In this election year we’ve been reintroduced to musicians making political statements. Your music always seemed to capture the political and social issues of your day so well.

[JC]: How so?

[MM]: Well, you were always looking out for the poor, the oppressed, and the children, among others. You always seemed to want justice. Your music provided the blueprint for socially conscious artists.

[JC]: Those aren’t political issues. That was the major point of my music. These were spiritual issues. They could only be changed by the power of God channeled through His people. I always tried to avoid politics. The issue of taxes was the only exception. If you look at my entire catalogue, I didn’t try to change the world through political action. I tried to change people’s hearts. When these issues are co-opted by political campaigns, they are inevitably distorted, watered down and done a disservice.

[MM]: Many of your fans have tried to claim their political action was motivated by your music. Were they wrong?

[JC]: Here’s the thing about fans, and it’s true of any fan of any major artist: they always get the facts wrong. They all become instant experts. They take one aspect of your music and blow it out of proportion. They end up completely misrepresenting your talent, your message and your catalogue.

The Beatles are the perfect example. Lennon and McCartney were a great songwriting team. People go on and on about that. Those guys were good, but they weren’t that good. The fans also try to say Ringo was the luckiest man in the world; a talentless hack who got lucky. But they overlook the sheer genius of the minimalist drumming on tracks like “In My Life.”

[MM]: So are the fans just dumb?

[JC]: That’s not what I’m saying. You have to remember, that when my music first began to emerge from the underground scene in Nazareth, the cultural climate was a hotbed of unrest. People wanted a revolution. They wanted “Street Fighting Man” by the Rolling Stones. I didn’t give them that. So they ignored the vast majority of what I was saying. They took what was popular and ran with it. But the music lives on, and if you return to that you’ll understand what I’m saying.

[MM]: Let’s get to the question on everyone’s mind, is there going to be a reunion?

[JC]: Nothing has been confirmed, but I will say the boys and I met for a week in Key West and discussed our future over key lime pie and margaritas. We had a great time, and I think the creative tension is still there. We’ve started talking to producers, and I’d say there is a very good chance of an album by the end of next year.

[MM]: Can you give us any kind of taste of the artistic direction of this album?

[JC]: Well, we were hoping for a world music kind of feel. Not Paul Simon in Africa kind of stuff but more of a sampling of music of the disenfranchised. We already have some guests stars lined up, people like Chuck D from Public Enemy, Bono from U2, Moby and Justin Timberlake.

[MM]: Justin Timberlake sings music of the disenfranchised?

[JC]: No, but our record label wanted at least one radio single. It was either Justin Timberlake or Clay Aiken. Pick your poison. I tell you, those accountants are ruining the art form.